Cherries and Bananas - Dating Advice for Everyone

Enrique and I came up with this list.  We wrote it as part of our "Free Advice Fridays" series.  Lanthie, Care to chime in here on your dating experiences.  Maybe we can help some of these poor souls out there on their journey toward Relationship Bliss!!!

Lanthie - Relationships are very complicated and I am no expert.  Finding a suitable partner has to be one of the most difficult things in the world.  Some people are just lucky to have found the one. (As always, my comments in red)

1. 95% of the time, the guy or girl you are pining for didn’t lose their phone. They didn’t drop in the toilet or the bathtub. It wasn’t shut off. It’s plain and simple - they just didn’t want to text you. If not, why aren’t they messaging your on facebook or sending you a tweet this very minute? 

Get over your selves.  If we don’t want to text you we won’t.  But then I have yet to meet a man who pines for a girl to text him.  It is usually the other way around.

2. If you’re looking at someone’s online dating profile and there are several people in their photo and you say, “Who is that girl? She’s hot!”, the hot girl will never be that girl of the profile. She will always be the “Ok” looking girl standing next to the Hot Girl.  

Don’t ever refer to another girl or woman we know as Hot (or attractive or has nice boobs or legs or whatever).  “I am the hottest thing on earth”.  At least this is what all women want to believe and should be told by the love of their lives.

3. No one’s ever “too busy” to hang out with you. Lots of busy people still date. If they say they are “too busy” that means bug off!

My significant other is always too busy!  So should I take that as a sign…..  Hmmmm  Will have to give it some thought.

4. If they’re talking about their ex all the time, then they are not over their ex. Get out while you can!  Everything you do and say will be compared to their ex.  They are probably not ready to date, even if they claim that they are and it is time to move on.  Don’t believe them!

I totally agree.  You should never talk about your ex.  Yes we are curious about her and do want you to mention her in passing but we want to hear how bad she was in bed or how bad her cooking was.  But please don’t harp on about her.  Be honest with yourself – if you are still in to her then say so and give us the opportunity to move on.

5. Don’t rush into anything. If he/she doesn’t call you girlfriend/boyfriend after a couple of dates, it’s ok.  Take it slow and steady.  

Take it slow and steady.  But don’t play dead.  If you’ve been going out for awhile and he still doesn’t refer to you as his girlfriend, then move on.  

6. How quickly they text you back says nothing about how they feel about you, unless it’s something like several days or weeks – then you have a problem.  Many times, I am driving, working or out jogging when I receive a text.  I don’t stop what I am doing to text back.  I will text back when I am done.  It might be 20 minutes, it might be an hour or two. 

I hate it when I don’t get a text back immediately.  But common sense does prevail and I do realize you may be busy.  So we acknowledge that you may be busy, but do make us feel that you have prioritized replying.  My worst is when someone stops texting in the middle of the conversation.  Have the decency to say you have to go do something or you’ll be back in a bit or something.  Don’t just keep us hanging.

7.  Every girl or guy isn’t going to be “the one” — and maybe nobody ever will. Here is a little hint – Look for “the one who is good right now?” You will find a lot more people filling that description and then you can see if it leads to him or her being “The one.”

The one who is good right now is always a good choice.   We all have different needs at different times of our lives so someone may be good for your current situation.  Get to know them better.  They may actually be “the one”.

8. Sex with another person always means something — whether you are dating casually, non-exclusively or are married. I hate to be blunt (OK, I Love to be blunt) but you are inside someone!  That means something, no matter how you look at it! Sex is an inherently meaningful act. You might say it doesn’t mean anything, but I guarantee you that it means something to at least one of the two involved (and probably both, you are just in denial!)

So agree here.  I cannot have meaningless sex.  If I have sex with you, I care for you and probably very deeply.  So take it as a sign.  And if you don’t care for me deeply, then please don’t screw with me  (excuse the pun) and have the decency to tell me and move on if necessary.

9. Looks don’t mean anything. Hot guys can be jerks, Beautiful women can be bitches, both living in a world where they are obsessed with their looks and feel that everyone else should be into them like they are into themselves.  Likewise, some of the nicest, most genuine and caring people I have ever met had average or below average looks.  “Don’t Judge a book by its cover!”  

You don’t fall in love with looks – you fall in love with the full package.  Take the time to get to know someone before deciding.

10. When someone says they are breaking up with you because they “don’t want to date” that just means that they don’t want to date you.

Very true.  It’s like someone offering you cake.  Why would you say you don’t want cake.  You just don’t want that piece of cake.  So be honest.  If you don’t want to date someone then say so.  We can put on our big girl panties and accept that you don’t like us.  I can’t imagine anyone not wanting a meaningful relationship.

11. Do all of your friends hate your significant other? Does your mom hate them? Do people who don’t even know you hate them? I would say that is a HUGE RED FLAG!  Listen to your friends and family. 

If all your friends and family hate your significant other, then that is a huge red flag.  Must admit I would probably never tell someone that I don’t like their significant other as it is not my place to have an opinion here.  

12. If they don’t show interest in you within a few weeks, let it go.  You’re not going to wear them down or trick them into liking you or waiting around for months for a girl or guy to come around just doesn’t happen.  And if you are officially in the “Friend Zone” even worse.  It isn’t gonna happen.  Sure, there are a few exceptions, but few and far between.  It really isn’t worth wasting months or even years waiting for someone to come around. 

Relationships are a two way street.  You cannot ever expect anyone to come around or ever change.  If the attraction isn’t there within a reasonable amount of time, it is never going to happen.

13. The other sex isn’t as complicated as you think. It usually is a lack of communication that causes all these problems and complications.  Be honest and talk! 

Not much more to be said here.  Communication is the most important thing in a relationship.

14. Don’t flash the bling!  Most potential girlfriends and boyfriends don’t care if you have a fat wallet, a new sports car, or wear $1000 suits.  If they do care, then they are superficial and not worth your time. If you are looking for that, then go ahead and flaunt it, but it is gonna be a lonely (and expensive) romance!

I would live in a shack if it meant I could be with the man I love.  Money and material things mean nothing in a relationship and the good old saying “for better or worse” is very applicable here.  And bad times fall on the best of us at the worst of times.  So just because he drives a nice flashy car now, doesn’t mean he will still be driving it in 5 years time.

More Great Advice from Our “Free Advice Fridays” Series

Read other posts in the “Cherries and Bananas” series

Come on over to the dark side occasionally and read my blog at http://www.lifecherries.com

A Cuban Sandwich That Isn't Really Cuban

If you are in Miami and you see a Dunkin Donuts, you can now buy a Cuban sandwich, (since when did Dunkin Donuts start having non-donut goods? – I am really behind the times!) featuring roasted pork, Swiss cheese and ham on an oven-toasted bun that is looks more like a French Roll.

To top it all off, it is topped with a “creamy Cuban spread of Dijon mustard and chipped dill pickle.” I have traveled to Cuba twice and I can attest that I never saw any Dijon mustard and I don’t remember seeing dill pickles in the local restaurants.  Also, every Cuban Sandwich I have eaten had shredded or pulled pork, not a slice of roasted loin.  Dunkin Donuts, I believe you need a culture lesson!!! 

Fortunately, I will not have to see this “pseudo” sandwich as it is only available in restaurants located in the Miami-Fort Lauderdale area.  Please do not bring this sandwich to Iowa!

Latinos Have a Plan To Take Over the United States

I am Latino and I have no ill will towards the USA.  Sure, a good chunk of the United States was once part of Mexico, but wars are fought and stupid leaders give up parts of their country (Yes, I am talking to you General Santa Ana!).  I have several Mexican-American friends who swear that the increase in the Hispanic population here in the U.S. is some sort of master plot by Mexico to take over the U.S.  “BASURA!” I say.  Then I see this in the news, a Latino couple in Nebraska (That;s up close to where Matt lives) last week became the proud parents of quintuplets. Mara, Cristóbal, Ximena, Arleth and Roselyn García where born in July. 

Then I got to thinking…I have a lot of Latino friends here in Texas and I know of 3 Latino couples who have twins in the past 18 months, 2 couples who have had triplets and my friend’s brother just had quadruplets.  All are Latinos.  WOW – We are a fertile bunch!!

I always knew that we Hispanics are a resourceful bunch and now I am beginning to think that maybe we have crafted a brilliant master plan to take over the U.S: Reproduce quickly and in large quantities.  

I Guess I Am an Asshole!

That's right. I know. I can't believe it either. I am as shocked as you are. But this is what a good female friend of mine told me this week. Her exact words were (I will never forget them): "You know, you're a real asshole, and I'm not the only one who thinks so." So what could I possibly have done to cause such hatred from a good (and hot) friend of mine? After re-examining my words and actions, I admit it was kind of bad, but not bad enough to achieve “Asshole” status.  Stupid, idiotic, thoughtless and insensitive – Yes, Asshole – NO.  

I am going to give you the short and sweet version cuz I know most of you probably could care less about my personal problems and many of you have already come to the conclusion that I am an asshole based on this blog.  No use trying to persuade people otherwise…but for those of you who still have faith in me, let me explain.

Last Friday night I had a rockin’ party at my house. Lots of people, booze, music – It was great.  I felt like I was in College again!  (By the way - at what age do you stop having regular wild parties where everyone comes over to get drunk and you start having dinner parties, or those kind of house parties where there is a bartender and caterers…you know, “Adult parties” in the sense that they aren’t swinger parties and orgies.  Real grown-up parties?)   

My parties have become legendary and all follow the same format.  It goes like this: 30 or so friends come over, drink tons and tons of alcohol and those who smoke go out to the back patio and smoke away.  Then, inevitably, someone will suggest that we start playing a drinking game.  Maybe Quarters, Three-Man or Up and Down the River, to name a few.  So 10-15 of us start playing games on the table while the others keep chugging the alcohol, cranking up the music and watch ESPN with captions on in the background.  At least two people, and sometimes more, usually end up having sex in the basement, spare bedroom or out in the back yard (It’s dark and there is a fence). Throughout the evening, the numbers of party-goers fluctuate, but always hover around the 30 mark. 

The party Friday night was pretty much going the same way all the other parties go.  Drinking, games, music…I don’t think anyone had had sex yet…  The only difference was that just about everyone was drunk as hell.  Usually I have 5 or 6 partiers who don’t drink or maybe just have a beer or two – the designated drivers (This is why I have a lot of parties in my house, I don’t have to worry about being the designated driver!) 

Finally, around 3 AM, just about everyone had left, save for 4 of my very best friends.  This girl (we will call her Denise – which may or may not be her real name) notices a phone on the couch and yells, to no one in particular, “OH, OH - someone left a cell phone."

It’s my house so I get to check it out first.  I find out that the phone belonged to my friend Maddie.  So what do I do?  I do what most drunk people would do – I start planning on how I can inappropriately use her cell phone.  I had to play a joke on her for leaving the phone at my house! The problem is that Denise, even when she is drunk, is a very practical and honest person.  I immediately wanted to take pics of my “Johnson” or call some phone sex# that will show up on her phone bill, etc.  Everyone was throwing in their two cents worth so we put it up for a vote and we decided that we would send random text messages to mutual friends who weren’t at the party (using her phone of course.)

These were some of the Text Messages:   

To her weird roommate (who was out of town for a wedding): I cannot wait for you to get back from the wedding.  I have been thinking about you a lot…thinking about “us”.  We need to talk about doing some experimenting.  There are so many lesbians out there, it can’t be all that bad???

To Jenny (another single girl who had been at the party earlier): I had a great time tonight! You looked so hot with your new hair and that little skirt.  I have been having some strange feelings lately that I think I need to act out on. Maybe just the two of us could go out some time and get to know each other better. I hope you know what I mean by that.

To Reggie (a married friend of ours who was not at the party): Reg- You missed a great party tonight. Too bad you and Shelly couldn't make it because I can't stop thinking about that sexy dress she wore out to the bars last week.  Any chance you two would consider a threesome? 

To Dana (her best friend): We have to talk!  I have a problem and you probably won’t like it.  I think I have feelings for Chuck (Dana’s boyfriend).  We are such good friends, I want to let you know and discuss this.  I can’t stop thinking about him.  I am so wet and excited.  Would you consider letting me share your bed with him some night?

To Chuck (Dana’s Boyfriend):  Chuck, I know I am Dana’s best friend, but I want you!  BAD!  I Need you Now!  If Dana is with you, that is ok.  We can all get wild together!

To Brandon (Her Ex-Boyfriend, they broke up a month ago):  Brandon, we need to talk.  I still hate you, but I am pregnant and it is yours.  We have a problem! 

To Kelly (her sister):  Sorry Kelly.  I slept with your ex-boyfriend tonight!  You were right, he really is hung like a horse but sucks in bed!  Probably won’t be doing that again. 

Then, we might have accidentally gone overboard.  Somebody, I don’t remember who but I am pretty sure it wasn’t me, sent a message to everyone in her contact list.  EVERYONE!  Probably included parents, grandparents, little nephews and nieces…EVERYONE!!!

This is what that fateful message read: "To Everyone: I love you all!  I'm soooo drunk and looking to hook up! IM HORNY!  Call me!!!!" The phone was handed over to me and I turned it off while laughing

We all end up sleeping, with Denise and a couple of others crashing at my place. 

Then, I get a phone call at about 9 AM (She had been calling earlier but I was passed out.)  Maddie was calm at first, telling me that her roommate called her at about 6:30 in the morning and let her know about the text message.  Maddie actually thought that one was pretty funny.  She thought the set-up for Dana and Chuck was hilarious too and she even chuckled at the message I sent to Jenny.  In fact, she was pretty cool with all the messages I had sent.  She thought they were pretty funny and creative. 

Then a pause…and she unleashed HELL!!!  She was not happy with the message that was sent to her contact list.  She had talked to Denise and another guy at the party and they both told her it was me that sent the message (maybe it was…I was pretty drunk!)  She went off on me!  Her mother, grandma, boss, co-workers, dad, brothers and sisters, church group friends, etc. all received the message.  She told me that she had about 15 voice mails and another 10 missed calls on her home phone. People were calling her concerned about her, wanting to know what was going on, etc. and she also received a few “booty calls” from guys who were still up at that hour.   She asked me to turn on her phone and I did.  She had 63 text messages and 25 missed calls.  OOOPS!!! 

Denise, who had spent the night, immediately jumped in and laid into me, calling me an asshole.  Maddie seconded that statement and echoed the Asshole phrase a few times. 

So here I am, admitting that I screwed up.  IT was pretty bad.  I went over the line.  I shouldn’t have sent that mass text (although I am not 100% sure I did, just 90% sure).  IT was my bad and I truly apologize.  Maybe I am an asshole, but I was just trying to have fun.  I know that is no excuse… 

H I didn't do it to be an asshole. I just didn't think. It was a thoughtless act.  Yes, I can, and do, put some of the blame on the alcohol, but in the end, it was all me!  I am pretty sure that Maddie will forgive me.  We have been friends for a long, long time.  I apologized and offered to give her her phone back.  She told me she will have to get a new number cuz she told everyone her phone was stolen.  Denise is a different story.  She is all about doing what is right and prides herself on not doing stupid stuff, even when she is drunk.  She told me that I am a bad influence on her and she thinks she has been drinking more since she joined my inner group of friends. She said she needs “A break from all this craziness.” 

P.S. – Now that everyone thinks her phone was stolen, is it bad that I want it so I can use it to prank call people?  NOOOOO, I Better Not!!!!!