I Wonder How Many Mother's Have Ever Heard That?

And I am sure there are a ton of boys telling their Daddies, "Daddy, When I grow up, I want to be a total Asshole just like you!"   I know it goes both sexes, so ladies, don't start sending hate mail  :)  Remember, I love the Ladies!!!

Reader's Jokes - Biting Boobs

This joke comes from Jonathon in Corpus Christi, Texas.  Thanks and keep those jokes coming in!

An old man is walking down the street when he sees a beautiful brunette walk by with a truly gigantic set of knockers. He turns around and catches up to the woman and says to her: "I'll give you $100 to let me bite your boobs" "Get away from me you perv!" she shouts back and continues walking. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give you $1,000 to bite your boobs" "I said no!" she replies and walks away. The old man catches up to her again and says: "I'll give you $10,000 to bite your boobs. The lady thinks about it for a bit and decides that $10,000 dollars is a lot of money so she might as well do it. So she flips up her shirt and removes her bra. The old man begins touching and feeling and squishing the boobs in his hands. After a while the lady says: "Well are you gonna bite them?" The old man replies: "Nah, too expensive."

 :  Here are our other "Reader's Jokes."  Send those jokes in and we will try and post them ASAP.  Email your jokes to semi.madman@gmail.com.  THANKS!!!

...Said No Teacher, EVER!

Hilarious Video I found about things Teachers Would Never, Ever Say!

Penis Van Lesbian

Another one of Our Reader's Jokes.  This one comes from Dennis in California.  Not sure if Dick Van Dyke would like this one:

Back in the 50's, a man walked into a Hollywood agent's office. He told the agent that he wanted to be a big star and that he wanted the agent to represent him. The agent asked the man's name, to which he proudly replied, "Penis Van Lesbian." Taken aback, the agent said, "If you want to be a big star, you will have to change your name." The man, somewhat offended, told the agent, "The Van Lesbian name goes back centuries and I am very proud of my name! I will never change my name! Ever!" "Then I won't be able to represent you." Said the agent. "Then good day to you, sir!" The man yelled as he stormed out of the office.

Five years later, the agent received a letter along with a check for $50,000, written out to him. He wondered if it was sent to him by mistake until he read the letter.

The letter said,
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke

Here are our other "Reader's Jokes."  Send those jokes in and we will try and post them ASAP.  Email your jokes to semi.madman@gmail.com.  THANKS!!!

Learn How to Twerk Like Miley Cyrus

A Rather odd video, but it has over 3 Million views.  Watch it to learn how to twerk like Miley Cyrus.

Irish Birth Control

Another great joke sent to us by our readers. This one was forwarded to me by our new blog writer, Ng. I am half Irish and I am laughing!!!

Here are our other "Reader's Jokes." Send those jokes in and we will try and post them ASAP. Email your jokes to semi.madman@gmail.com. THANKS!!!

Irish Birth Control Mrs. Donovan was walking down  O'Connell Street in Dublin when  She met up with Father Flaherty.  The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'  To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan  And didn't I marry ye and yer  Hoosband two years ago?'  She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'  The Father asked, 'And be there  Any wee little ones yet?'  She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'  The Father said, 'Well now,  I'm going to Rome next week  And I'll light a fertility candle for ye  And yer hoosband.'  She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'  They then parted ways..  Some years later they met again.  The Father asked, 'Well now,  Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'  She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'  The Father asked, 'And tell me ,  Have ye any wee ones yet?'  She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!  Two sets of twins and six singles,  Ten in all!'  The Father said, 'That's wonderful!  And how is yer loving hoosband doing?' >  She replied, 'E's gone to Rome  To blow out yer  candle.'

Pickup Basketball Players' Stereotypes

I would say that is rather Spot On!

This is Texas

Found this on the web and being as I spent about 13 of the best years of my life in Texas, I had to post it.

Things Worse Than Going Back to School

1. Dropping a pizza:   I Hate it when that Happens! Depending on the floor, the 5-Second Rule may or many not apply.


Via: reddit.com

2. Running out of toilet paper:  A Horrible feeling of helplessness comes over you when you run out of TP and there is not a replacement roll in sight!



Via: missingpianokeys

3.Getting stuck in the swings on the first day back:  That would be a bummer...

Via: mostdopesofar

4. Dropping an entire bag of cheetos on the floor: You've heard of alcohol abuse...

5. Justin Bieber's mustache:  That is just pathetic!  

Via: justinbieberhood.com

6. Trying to act cool on TV and failing miserably:  It figures that it would be a Kansas City Chief Player.  They just can't be cool!



Via: failblog.org

7. Getting caught picking your nose during the Olympics:  Not Jordyn, look behind her.



Via: thefrisky

8. Bad popsicle jokes:  Do they still even do those lame-ass jokes?



Via: pleated-jeans.com

9.  A Baby Doing the Duckface:  A Future Facebook and Twitter addict!



Via: 10cafe.com

10. Adult Babies:  I remember a Dr. Phil Episode on these guys.  Seriously, a Whole Episode?



Via: stayontargetstayontarget.blogspot.com

11. Twilight back tattoos:  Could you imagine picking her up, taking her home and gettin' busy, switchin to doggy style and seeing that?  Major deal breaker there.  I would probably just grab my clothes and run out the door!



Via: twilightish.com


12. Living in North Korea:  Isn't that nice of him!



Via: nonjeneregret

13. Having this guy message you on OK Cupid:  WHEW!!!  He isn't a molester!  Thank God!






Via: blameaspartame

14. Being a wrestling referee:  Unfortunately, there are a lot of those here in Iowa!



Via: meg13-bloodrose

15. Facebook chain letters:  So Annoying!!!



Via: dailypicksandflicks.com

So all of you kids going back to school, you don't have it all that bad. Things could be a lot worse. Get ready, grab your backpacks and get your asses to school!!! 

Reader's Jokes - A Teacher, a Priest and a Soldier in a Helicpoter

Another readers sent us in a joke. This new series of posts are up and running. See below for the email address to send in your joke. Thanks to Larry P. in Wheeling, West Virginia for this one!

A priest, an army man, and a teacher are all in a helicopter. The helicopter starts to go down, so the pilot says quick everybody through anything you have on you to lighten the chopper! So the teacher throws her apple, the priest throws his bible, and the army man throws his grenade. The helicopter lands safely, and the army man starts walking around when he sees a little girl crying. "Little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" The little girl answers, "an apple fell out of no where and hit me in the head!" The army man continues walking until he stumbles upon another crying girl. " little girl, little girl, why are you crying?" The girl responds, "a bible came out of no where and hit me in the head!" The army man is walking again and sees a little boy rolling around laughing. He walks up to the boy and asks, "little boy, little boy, why are you laughing so hard?" The boy laughs and says, "my grandpa farted, and the house behind him blew up!"

 Here are our other "Reader's Jokes."  Send those jokes in and we will try and post them ASAP.  Email your jokes to semi.madman@gmail.com.  THANKS!!!

An Apple a Day...

A Dis-Tastefully Poor Joke!

I picked up this girl the other night and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor."

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

You Should Know By Now What Boys Think About

Don't Piss Me Off or... EBOLA for Christmas

If you are being an A*%hole, then you are goin get an A*%hole present from me for Christmas.  PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!!  I just bought a ton of Ebola Microbes on Amazon.  Amazing what you can buy on there.

The Movie With the Most Laughs Per Minute is...

...Airplane with 3 laughs per minute. That's the rate at which Airplane! delivers them, making it the funniest movie of all time according to a Lovefilm Instant panel. Don't know how much stock to put in this, The Hangover is #2.

1. Airplane - 3 Laughs A Minute

2. The Hangover - 2.4 Laughs A Minute

3. The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad ! - 2.3 Laughs A Minute

4. Superbad - 1.9 Laughs A Minute

5. Borat - 1.7 Laughs A Minute

6. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy - 1.6 Laughs A Minute

7. American Pie - 1.5 Laughs A Minute

8. Bridesmaids - 1.4 Laughs A Minute

9. Shaun of the Dead - 1.3 Laughs A Minute

10. Life of Brian - 1.2 Laughs A Minute


Editor of Lovefilm Helen Cowley said: "After many heated debates about whether TheHangover really is the funniest movie ever, we asked our members to vote for the 10 movies that make them laugh the most, and then conducted our own research into how many times those included in this list made us giggle.

The Hangover is that movie that your friend likes a lot more than you do.

Two Drunks Visit a Whorehouse...

I have heard this one about a hundred times...

So these two drunks were walking down the street one day and one looks at the other and says

Hey man, when is the last time you got laid?

The other drunk says

Hell its been a long time. Let's go to the whorehouse and get some.

As they walk into the front door the madame decides she isn't going to waste any of her girls on these drunks. She tells one of the girls to fix up some blow up dolls in some vacant rooms. Since they are drunk they will never know the difference.

One of the drunks says to the madame

Hey! We want your two finest Whores!

She says

Well boys we have two girls waiting on you upstairs already.

So the two go upstairs, do their business, and start walking home.

On the way home they are both silent for quite a while when one of them finally decides to speak.

Man, that girl I had, I think she was dead! I put every move I had on her and she didn't move a bit!

The other drunk said

That ain't nothing, the girl I had was a witch! I bit her titty and she farted and flew out the window!

Eva Sends Me a Dirty Picture

I met a girl named Eva about a week ago out at the bars. We went out the next night and ended up spending the night together. Since then, we have been getting together almost daily to have some fun. When we aren't together, we like to talk dirty to each other via text. I thought she was going to take it to the next level today when I joking asked her to send me a dirty picture of herself. She said, "OK, no problem!"

 I am waiting and waiting with anticipation. After about 5 minutes, I get a text with a picture attached.  AHHHH Shit...Here it comes! 

It downloads and I get this:

Not exactly what I was hoping for, but at least I know Eva has a sense of humor! Guess she hopped on Google and searched "Dirty Pictures" and this one came up. Touché Eva!!

The Blonde Convention

(Via Jokes4us.com) - BTW - I Love Blondes. No Offense Ladies :)

A group of blondes decided to get together and hold a blonde convention to prove that blondes aren't dumb. They invited all the blonde people in the area.

In the middle of the event, they chose one random person from the crowd to answer questions, to prove she could answer them as well as anybody else.

"What is twelve plus three?" asked the interviewer.

"Nineteen," she responded. The interviewer felt very uncomfortable, however, the crowd was still supportive. To help get the girl's confidence back up, they shouted, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

"I'm going to ask you another question," said the interviewer. "What is ten times five?"

The blonde was sure she would get it right this time. "Sixty!" she said.

The interviewer shook her head, but again, the crowd cheered, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The interviewer said, "I'm going to give you one last chance. This will be a very easy question. What is two plus one?"

"Three!" said the blonde, happy to get a question she could finally answer correctly.

The interviewer was about to congratulate when she was interrupted by the cheering of the crowd: "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Need a Reason To Drink Everyday of the Week?

Look No Further.

Reader's Jokes

We have been getting alot of jokes sent to us recently.  So many in fact that we are starting a new series of posts called "Reader's Jokes."  Send those jokes in and we will try and post them ASAP.  Email your jokes to semi.madman@gmail.com.  THANKS!!!

Our first joke is from Christian who lives in Germany. 

A German guy is at the French border.

The French customs officer asks him some questions.

-Name?

-Karl Schmidt.

-Place of Residence?

-Munich.

-Occupation?

-Oh, no, no. I'm just visiting.